DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 4
By Leigh Couchman

There is a new beginning! It has bits spliced in from the first three episodes interspaced with scenes of Trunks and Goten mooning Vegeta (Smart move boys) and #16 being revealed as #18’s chief eunuch (Dr Gero/#20 was also a eunuch, by choice, due to his inability to pull anything from any sex from any species). The music is even louder and sounds more like a cross between Bon Jovi and Van Halen than an anime soundtrack.

Like Michael Jackson, Cell Just Won’t Die

Narrator: After having achieved Super Saiya-Jin 16, Goku deftly defeated Vegeta and saved the world. Again. (Sighs) Everyone is at the reunion one year later at Goku’s house (Once the kiddies have gone to bed it will turn into a swingers party), and all seems well. Except for the fact that Gohan is now 10, and his ten years younger brother Goten is 7. And Trunks, who was in his late teens in episode 3 is now 8. Go figure.
Everybody is reveling at Goku’s house.
Piccolo: God, this is hell.
Chi Chi: We can change that! More Alphabetti Spaghetti Piccolo?
Piccolo: Yuhhhk!
Yamcha: Yeah, that’s right. Piccolo only eats Spooky Spaghetti.
Piccolo: (Defiant) Wouldn’t you?!
Tien: Hey 18, weren’t you going to marry Trunks a year ago? Why are you here with 16?
18: We were going to get married. Then he suddenly turned into a little boy again just to suit an ill-fated and rather thin plotline.
Tien: Yeah! And how come Gohan is only three years older than Goten though he is really ten years older than him?
Goku and Chi Chi: Uuuuhhhh, well. (Pause) Errrr.
Yamcha: Tien’s right! This is almost as confusing as our first album!
Vegeta: The characters are all switching and changing ages due to the time machine saga and the fact that no one really ages anyway. And the producers are insano.
Krillin: (Long confused pause) That doesn’t explain anything you twit! (Vegeta’s hair goes on like a light bulb. Krillin offers up a sacrificial lamb to appease him.)
Yamcha: (To Trunks) Dude, your chronology’s f@cked.
Trunks: Meh! I don’t care. Though it is a very disturbing thought having to go through puberty again. (To 18) Sorry babe, in a few years I’ll be able to bone you.
18: It’s always about you isn’t it? You you you! What about me?! What about my feelings?!
Trunks: (Very startled) Aaaahhhhh…
Goten: Dude, she’s nuts.
Gohan: What’s 16 doing here anyway.
18: He’s my eunuch.
There is a long pause. Everybody glances at one another.
Bulma: Ahh. Are we supposed to laugh or not?
Tien: I’mmmmmm not sure.
Goku: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Dude looks like a lady!!
Everybody except 16 cracks up. He is evidently not an Aerosmith fan.
16: I do not understand the humor.
Krillin: No sh@t Frankenstein!
Everybody except 16 laughs loudly.
Goku: Ohmygod! Krillin made a funny!
More laughing. 16 walks over to a tree and begins reading “Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus”.
Piccolo: Dammit! This is worse than a potato convention! Can’t we do something interesting?
Goten: Like this?
Goten begins waving his ass in the air like a flag at Vegeta. Trunks soon follows suit.
Vegeta: (Pissed) You ass pirates! (Vegeta becomes s Super Saiya-Jin 16, and stands over the kids.)
Goku: Vegeta! (They stare each other down for a couple of minutes) You can’t just beat them up for mooning you. Be a good role model and tell them why they shouldn’t do it again.
Vegeta: You’re right Kakarot. (Turns to the kids) If you children ever insult, humiliate, make fun of, compete against or outperform me again I will crush your innards and put them in a protein milkshake and drink it!!!
Goku: (Slaps his head. The kids are obviously scared.) He is such a meathead.
Piccolo: C’mon Goku, let’s call up the Dragon.
Goku: Do you think that’s wise?
Piccolo: It beats Alphabetti Spaghetti (Chi Chi’s head goes down).
Goku: Cool, let’s do it. (He walks over to the house and emerges a few minutes later with a shoebox. He opens it and dumps all the balls on the ground at his feet.) Guess I say the password now. (Pause. Shouting) Come out ya bastard!!
Clouds swirl and darkness comes. The Dragon appears, he looks very annoyed.
Dragon: I am very annoyed.
Goku: Yo bitchface! We got a wish.
Dragon: You have one wish.
Goku: Okay…ummm (Turns), hey guys, what’s our wish?
All: (Sighing at Goku’s simpleminded stupidity) We don’t have one.
Goku: Hotdamn! The floor’s mine! Then I wish for…a sailor hat!
Dragon: (Pause) That wish cannot be granted.
Piccolo: Why not? It’s legit.
Dragon: (Pause) It’s too demeaning.
Goku: Look, stop being so goddamn self-conscious, and give me my sailor hat dammit!
Dragon: Very well. (There is a ‘Ping’, and a sailor hat appears on Goku’s head.) Now I must be off, I have to shave my goatee for charity.
Gohan: Yeah whatever.
The Dragon disappears and everyone except 16 crowds around admiring Goku’s spiffing new hat. All is well until there is a ‘Kazap!’ followed by a very loud thunderstorm.
Yamcha: Woah! Too much Sauerkraut.
Tien: (Slaps his head) F@ckwit.
Cell is standing a hundred feet away laughing.
Cell: I laugh, because I am. Ha Ha Ha! And I’m evil.
Goku: What?!
Gohan: Nooooooooooooo!
Narrator: Cell has just appeared out of the wild blue yonder, but didn’t Goku mercilessly slay him a year ago? Where did the evil crocodile, ah I mean bandit appear from? What are the odds he will start dancing to Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock”? Find out on the next brain impairing and spleen exploding episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman