DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 6
By Leigh Couchman

By this time all the viewers know the start well enough to change channels to watch serious morning shows or whatever art-house smut SBS is showing. Still we get to see glances of the full extent of Bulma’s love triangle and Yamcha explaining how his, Tien’s and Chiatsu’s band went horribly wrong. We all change back just in time to catch everybody gathering together for the ‘Kodak Moment’ group photo.

Goku the Deadpan Comic

Goku and Cell are in the middle of Goku’s yard staring each other down. After a four minute sequence of ECU’s on their heads, faces, eyes, fists, shoes, and all sorts of extremities, the silence is broken.
Master Roshi: Oh I’ve wasted my life.
Chiatsu: Damn right. That’s what a life of watching TV for a cheap perv will do to an adjusted person, and I’m not sure you even are fully adjusted. (Pointing) Those sunglasses went out of fashion in 1986.
Master Roshi clubs him with his stick and turns back to the action.
Goku: (Staring at Cell, but speaking to the others) Get Vegeta out of there and give him a Lima bean.
Cell: (As Krillin and Trunks carry Vegeta to the others.) Aaah the infamous Lima bean, causes so much trapped wind as to full heal the patient.
Krillin: (Face shriveled) Oooh! He’s a bit fresh!
Bulma opens a packet of sorbent and begins wiping the crap off Vegeta’s noggin. Krillin gives him a Lima bean.
Cell: Damn! I hate it when they ignore me.
Goku: I’m not (Their eyes meet). Vegeta may have been an arrogant prick, a poor father, and he might have tried to kill me on numerous occasions. But for his Saiyan pride I defend him! And his hair.
Cell: (Glancing away whilst giving Goku the “Wanker” gesture) Oddball.
Goku launches himself at him. They begin fighting so fast that only a drunk who has consumed a bottle of napisan can keep up with it. But through the wonders of modern technology we the lazy assed viewers at home get to see several minutes of high octane electronic music to a hyped up animation sequence. The camera then cuts to the support crew.
Trunks: (Shaking) Dad! Dad! Oh wake up you useless piece of…
Bulma: (Vegeta stirs) Oh Vegeta! You’ve got to pull through! I love you sooooo much! More than the rose loves the rain. More than corn chips love nachos. (Sweeping arm) More than a hermaphroditic hippopotamus loves…
Piccolo: (Interrupting) What?! I thought you only had eyes for me?! We’re married woman.
Bulma: Well…not exactly. Vegeta is the father of my son, and for that I will always love him.
Yamcha: (Confused) What about me?!
Bulma: Yamcha was my first love, and for that I will always love him.
Chiatsu: You’ve forgotten me Bulma.
Bulma: Chiatsu gives the best head, and for that I will always love him.
Chiatsu: (Everybody turns in amazement to Chiatsu.) Why do you think I’m so short?
Piccolo’s jaw is past his chest. He has gone into a trance.
Chi Chi: (Slightly confused) It’s a love…rectangle?
Master Roshi: Actually it’s a pentagon if you include Goku.
Bulma: Oh Goku’s so dreamy! (Chi Chi’s eyes narrow and she glares at Bulma)
A large explosion turns everyone’s head.
Tien: Sh@t. Forgot about that.
Cell: You’re fast Goku. I’ll give you that. But not quite good enough to beat me I’m afraid.
Goku: (Goku’s thoughts) What the hell do I do? I can’t power up any more, I’m already at full strength. He’s too strong. What would Victor Hugo do at a time like this? I don’t think I can do it. (Pause. Determined face) NO! I can! I just need to believe in myself.
Cell: Truly pathetic Goku. I expected you to be at least better than Bret the Hitman Hart was.
Goku: Me?! At least I don’t look like I came from a 50’s movie set, swamp thing!
They both power up. They glare angrily at each other for a couple of minutes as the ground shakes.
Vegeta: (Regaining consciousness. Weakly) Kakarot you fool. We have to tag team him…arrr (Faints again).
Bulma: Oh no! Dear sweet compassionate Vegeta! (Piccolo faints) OH NO!!! Piccolo!
Master Roshi: They’ll be fine. We’ll just sit them up in front of Eat Carpet for a couple of hours later.
Yamcha: Jesus Christ! So much sh@t has gone down today. (Turns to Bulma) Sorry Bulma, no pun intended. Like I said before, almost as confusing as our first album.
Chi Chi: You guys never talk about it, but what really happened with your band?
Tien: It was a disaster. I did vocals and played lead guitar. Yamcha was on bass and Chiatsu on the drums. We formed and were quickly signed to a freelance record company.
Yamcha: We didn’t know much so we agreed to their suggestions of Iggy Pop and Brian Eno for producers. Basically they were both nutters. Iggy was just a drug crazed psychopath with an inclination for poor duets. And that Eno guy was an art snob wanker. He kept trying to get me to play the bass left handed with my feet.
Chiatsu: By the end of recording we were psychologically destroyed. The album was released and flopped miserably and we lost our contract. Because of those two oddball producers our album was unanimously voted the bizzarest of all time. The most sensible song was a Reggae/Latino cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’.
Everybody shudders. Krillin noisily vomits up a pair of canastas. Tien, Yamcha and Chiatsu hang their heads in appropriate shame. Everyone turns suddenly to Goku’s shouting.
Goku: Good will always triumph over evil! I defy you and all maniacal walking amphibians Cell!!
At this inappropriate time Goku’s pants fall hopelessly to his ankles with a ‘Sproing’. Goku is far too carried away to notice.
Goku: I will now show you the true speed and power of a Saiyan warrior! (He tries to run but only notices his fatal error at the last moment when he can do nothing. He falls) NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Goku lands on the ground and his fringe is impaled by a wayward ‘Hello Kitty’ toy. He dies of shock.)
Gohan: Daaaadddyyyyyy!!!
Cell: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Well that was very entertaining Goku! Muahahahaha…what the? (He nudges Goku with his foot before checking his pulse and in a last effort to check his vital life signs he steals Goku’s wallet.) Oh dear (Snicker), he’s dead. (Pause) Hahahahahhaahahahahaha!!!
Gohan: (Running up and shaking Goku’s body as it disappears into “Another Dimension”. Hey! Wait! This is the uncut version. He dies! IN THE ASS! Goku is dead. Failed by his own monologue.) NO! Nooooooooooo!!!
All: Nnnnnnooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Cell: (In ‘NO!’ tone and delivery) Yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssss!!!!
Gohan’s eyes are filled with rage. He stands up slowly, with his whole body shaking.
Gohan: (Screaming) Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!
Suddenly huge storms ensue and he is enveloped in a cloud of dust. Lightning strikes the ground and there is a
tremendous explosion from the middle of the dust cloud.
Narrator: With Goku’s untimely and ultimately slapstick passing the question on everyone’s lips is can anyone stop Cell? Is Gohan powering up or practicing solitaire? Can Bulma ever settle down with Vegeta? Find out on the next thinly structured and altogether nonsensical episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman