DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 1
By Leigh Couchman

The episode begins after a flashy high speed animation sequence with lots of superfluous guitar flourishes. Because this is a totally unabridged and uncut episode, you have to imagine the great amounts of nudity and violence and general "Tsk Tsk, naughty naughty" nature of the beginning in which Bulma seduced Piccolo (They later had a child named Latoya Jackson) and Krillin was caught cheating on #18 with Master Roshi's turtle. Anyway, on with the episode…

The Most Pointless Episode Yet

The begins with Goku facing off to Vegeta and a whole bunch of admirers (The Z Fighters and support crew, Cell, Frieza, a circus midget and the entire NSWRL Grand Final winning 1990 Canberra Raiders). They are situated in a barren wasteland (Couldn't see that one coming) and the usual science fiction music is playing.
Vegeta: (Laughing vigorously) HA HA HA HA HA Haa… (He stops laughing and it becomes evident that his laughing has morphed into choking) Ugghhh! Ha ha! Ahhhh!!! (He finally begins to regain his composure before muttering) Damn my raspy voice.
Goku: So, what's up Vegeta? Why did you bring us all out here? Something bugging you?
Vegeta: (With that annoying smile of his) Yes, as a matter of fact there is.
There is about four minutes with them staring at each other with intense expressions. The camera varies from ECU to panning shots.
Krillin: Oh man! This is as intense as my last time with the turtle.
There is a very long pause, people shake their heads and mutter "sicko", "depraved halfling" and "when was the last time you weren't wearing orange you baldheaded git?"
Piccolo: You're disgusting!
Yamcha: Why do you always have to state the obvious turtle f@cker?
18 glares threateningly at him. Yamcha moons her.
Krillin: What? You think I'm sick Piccolo? You're the one who's making us all turn green!
A punch line drumbeat sounds out of nowhere. Piccolo delivers Krillin a fierce backhander.
Tien: That's another thing no one can stand. We hate your pathetic jokes Krillin. And your Yul Brynner look.
Krillin looks very injured, until he sees 18, and then he looks sh@t scared.
Gohan: (In an attempt to calm everyone down) Hey Trunks, who do you think will win?
Circus Midget: My money's on Goku.
Cell delivers him a sound two minute beating. While this is going on…
Trunks: Meh! Who cares?! Pork away!!
He sits down and lights four cigarettes and puts them in his mouth simultaneously.
Trunks: I really don't care. Well, I guess I hope Vegeta loses; receding hairline prick of a father that he is. (He looks across to Piccolo) Will you be my dad Piccolo?
Piccolo: (Looks mortified. Turns to Bulma) You told him?!
Bulma: (Blushing Furiously) No! No! I swear I didn't tell him!
Chi Chi: Huh? What happened?
Trunks: My mum and Piccolo got busy by the fire last night.
There are assorted reactions. Frieza is rolling around on the deck pissing himself laughing, Tien, Yamcha and Chiatsu are all vomiting profusely, Gohan is wanking furiously, and all the others look horrified.
Bulma: (Sobbing) How did you know Trunks?
Trunks: I watched you both. (Takes an extended drag) Interesting.
Krillin: you watched your own mother make it with an overgrown Green man with elf ears? Ewwwww!! How can you still function in society?!!
Master Roshi: Shutup! Vegeta just said something.
Cross to the two combatants.
Vegeta: We have a score to settle Kakarot.
Goku: (Leans into fighting stance) Mmm Hmm.
Vegeta: I've always wanted to defeat you in battle.
Goku: Try if you like!
Vegeta: I was so sidetracked by it, that I missed your birthday two years ago.
A long pause. Goku is dumbstruck.
Vegeta: Here is your birthday present.
He begins walking closer to Goku. He offers his hand, there is nothing in it.
Goku: Why, (Wipes tears from eyes) I didn't know you cared so much. Hey, there's nothing in your hand.
Vegeta: But there is, here's your birthday present Kakarot…a punch to the face!
Vegeta floors Goku and sends him sprawling across the ground for about 100 meters.
Vegeta: Ha Ha Ha! I love evil.
Gohan: Daaadd!!
Frieza: Oh shutup monkey! Your voice is so annoying!
Cell: You're one to talk. (Frieza glares at him. He adopts a deep German accent) My name ist Frieza und I have a little girrrly's voice.
Krillin: He he he, he's got a point you know. I wouldn't…
Everyone except 18: (Interrupting) Shutup turtle f@cker!
18: Hey! I can still salvage my marriage. (Yamcha moons her again. She kicks him from behind in the Jatz crackers. Krillin slinks away.)
The camera cuts back to Goku and Vegeta.
Goku: Ahh! I'll fight your injusticeness with my righteousness!
Vegeta: I'm going to kill you this time Kakarot.
They start shouting and grunting. This and their eventual transformations take up the rest of the ten minutes of the episode.
Narrator: With Goku fully pissed and Vegeta totally pumped, who will win this clash of the titans? What will become of Bulma's new romance and Krillin's marital crisis? Join us next time for another uncompromisingly inexplicable and completely pointless episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman