DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 2
By Leigh Couchman

Similar start as with last time. The same appallingly over-excited music is playing with such unprecedented and uncut sequences as Gohan telling Chi Chi to go…ah…uh hem, and Piccolo doing an absolutely pathetic version of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!" (It was cut from the original episode due to a high stupidity content).

Blondes Have More Fun

Vegeta and Goku are now Super Saiya-Jins and staring at each other with smug smiles on their faces. All the observers are still there, except for the 1990 premiership winning Canberra Raiders, who all caught the clap and died horribly.
Vegeta: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Goku: (Face set with Determination).
Vegeta: (Laughing louder) Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!
Goku: (Face set with more determination).
Vegeta: (Laughing even louder) Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
Goku: (Sneezes. Vomits up a thesaurus. Moulds his face with his hands into an inexplicably complex look that is a cross between ultimate determination and constipation.).
Tien: Woah! This is so close.
Yamcha: They're both giving their best.
Krillin: (Muttering) Wankers.
Both: What?
Krillin: Bankers! Where are they when you need 'em? I just found a dollar and I thought I'd start up a trust account.
Krillin is, as is expected, hospitalized for the rest of the episode by the support crew.
All except 18: (As Krillin is being carried away by ambulance officers) Turtle f@cker.
18 glares at them all. They all cower, except Trunks and Gohan.
Trunks: Just try hoochie! I'll pound you any day. Or any night for that matter. (He winks)
18's disposition brightens immensely, and she begins to blush.
Chi Chi: (Covering Gohan's eyes) Don't look Gohan! You're too young!
Gohan: F@ck off you frigid trollop!
Chi Chi: What?!
Gohan: You heard me! Stop being so goddamn protective. I wanna see Trunks get some action.
Chi Chi: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! My son's a pervert!
18 flashes her breasts at Trunks, who becomes slightly flustered. Seeing this Gohan whips it out and…
Cell: I need to kill something.
Frieza: Me too, I have an insatiable need to do evil.
Suddenly everyone becomes slightly edgy. Luckily, the Circus Midget regains consciousness and is severely beaten by Cell and Frieza, to the relief of everyone else. Wide panning shot across the landscape with dustclouds and tumbleweeds. Close in on Goku and Vegeta.
Goku: So this is it.
Vegeta: Indeed. I'm going to beat you senseless. And if you live past this day I'm going to constantly send pizzas and taxis to your house until you are psychologically destroyed. Ha Ha Ha!
Goku: (Pause) Yes. (Pause) Or you could get a life. And stop being a f@ckwit. Or a negligent father for that matter.
Vegeta: (Very pissed) Arrgh! It's a brilliant plan! It's astoundingly brilliant and very cleverly devised!! And that purple-haired bastard of mine means nothing to me! (Trunks sighs a very audible "Awwwww" in the background and hangs his head.)
Goku: It doesn't matter. I have a better Super Saiya-Jin hairstyle than you do. (Pointing) I gotta fringe.
Vegeta: Aarrrggghhh! That does it!! (He launches himself at Goku and they begin fighting. Tough music begins.)
All except Goku and Vegeta: Ooo! (Pause) Aaah! (Pause) Ouch! (Pause) That's gotta hurt! (Pause) Is that his spleen?
They stop after having fought for two minutes. They collapse on the ground panting in exhaustion. Trunks takes the opportunity to put on a beer drinking helmet and lights six cigarettes.
Piccolo: (Breaking the silence) Ding! Dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked…
Piccolo is suddenly muted by a two by four.
Trunks: Hmmm, alcohol through a straw.
Piccolo: Aaar, it hurts.
Master Roshi: This better finish soon. I'm missing Oprah.
Camera cuts back to the fighters, who have gained their breath back.
Vegeta: Very nice Kakarot. It looks like you've gained some new moves.
Goku: (Rubbing knuckles against his chest.) I've been taking Irish dancing classes.
Vegeta: (Interested) Oh really? I've just started a course on Chinese philosophy. It's really very interesting - Confucius and Tao, and Mao Tse Tung…
Goku: (Interrupting. Very startled look on his face.) Ahhh…
Vegeta: And these Chinese proverbs and Zen Buddhism, and it's just so engrossing. (He stops suddenly) I mean, its okay. But it doesn't compare with beating the stuffing out of someone.
Goku: No, obviously not.
There is a long awkward pause. Goku starts to power up, followed by Vegeta. This stand off continues for about six minutes.
Vegeta: My leg is numb.
Piccolo: C'mon Goku, you're the last hope.
Bulma: Oh lighten up Piccolo, you make it sound so depressing.
Piccolo: With good reason. If Goku fails and dies, Vegeta will be unstoppable. He will take over the government and force us all into janitorial positions at primary schools. He will abolish Sunday newspapers and he will plaster hi face on the backs of all playing card decks. He will become an unstoppable monster.
All are obviously scared by this premonition. The camera pans back to the fighters, who start fighting each other again.
Narrator: The two coolest guys in the universe are going toe-to-toe with the Earth's safety and the Z Fighter's employment prospects on the line. Will Krillin come out of intensive care in time to make more stupid jokes? Will Trunks and 18 get jiggy with it? Join us next time for another totally predictable and outrageously obvious episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman