DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 5
By Leigh Couchman

The new beginning gets its second airing. Such naughty and uncensored scenes include Cell doing a gaffa on Vegeta’s head and Piccolo being busted for pimping. With the exception of some halfwits who play air guitar, most of us just ho-hum our way through the opening sequence.

Vegeta is a Sh@thead

The episode begins where the other one left off. Cell is laughing haughtily and all the other characters eyes and eyebrows are twitching with anger, which is their wont to do.
Cell: Ha Ha Ha! I’m back! I’m going to kill you all!! You can’t get rid of me that easily!!
Goku: I killed you a year ago. Why, how, where??!! Huh?!
Cell: Oh, I didn’t die Goku.
Piccolo: Then what happened to you?
Cell: I waited till you all left, and then I did a makeshift sticky tape job on myself until I could heal properly. I then decided the surprise factor would be greater if I didn’t show up immediately.
Tien: So what did you do?
Cell: I was getting to that you halfwit! So I joined the WWF and became a pro wrestler for a year, (Shows them) here’s my World Championship belt!
Yamcha: Ooooooooo.
Goku: (Face is contorted with anger) So you joined the WWF to train and to increase your energy level! Just how strong did you get? What fighting techniques did you learn?!
Cell: Absolutely none at all! But I did learn how to do a pantomime! (He begins a sequence where he rides a bicycle, climbs a ladder, walks on a tightrope and does several elbow drops on an unsuspecting goanna. This takes up a couple of minutes. Out of breath) Well, what did you think?
Krillin: (Pause) You’re a total goof troop!
Cell picks up Krillin, puts his fingers in Krillin’s eyes and mouth, shines his head, then bowls him into the Z Fighters and support crew like a bowling ball, and manages to knock over anyone stupid enough or uncoordinated enough not to get out of the way. These being namely Chi Chi, Bulma, Yamcha, Master Roshi and Android 16, who by now has finished his book and begun to read “The Female Eunuch”.
Cell: What do you have to say to that? Huh?!
Goku: (Scratches his head) Piccolo’s a pimp.
Cell: (Trying very hard not to laugh) Yes, hmph. Your point is taken, hmph, he he, but it has very little (Pause), Ba Ha Haa Haa!! Ooooh, sorry, to do with the plot at hand.
Tien: Nothing that happens in this show has anything to do with plot! There is no plot!
Cell: (Seriously pondering) Hmmmmmm,
Piccolo: (Very embarrassed) Goku how could you?!
Goku: (Shrugs shoulders) Seemed like the thing to say.
Krillin: So Piccolo, pimping ‘ey. Well, you should buy a lime green suit then. Green would really suit your complexion. (Slaps head) Did I say that just now? Now what I meant to say is…
Piccolo: (Interrupting. Anger building to an explosion) Ffffff@@@@@ccckkkiiinnnngggggg turtle f@cker!!! (Fly kicks Krillin into Android 16, who is now reading a biography of Mahatma Gandhi.)
Vegeta: (Powers up) I’ll waste no more time! You’re mine bitchface!
Vegeta launches himself at Cell. They fight. This continues for a couple of minutes. They then break away. There are the customary close up shots of their faces, then a wide panning shot.
Yamcha: (Eyes twitching)
Piccolo: Err, arr, errrr.
Trunks: Oh he is so sh@t.
Goten: Yeah, your dad’s not much chop is he?
Trunks: You impotent tea-bag spazz!! (He chases after Goten.)
Vegeta: I will play no more games Cell. This is my real power. (He upgrades to Super Saiya-Jin 16, there is the traditional shouting and grunting, and yes, it drains a couple of minutes.) I will flush you away like the turd you are!
Goku: (Slaps his head) He has GOT to work on his metaphors.
Cell: (Smiles) Hmmm, let’s dance.
They begin fighting again. It quickly becomes apparent that Vegeta can’t hit Cell, and that Cell isn’t fighting at full strength. The others look on with surprise.
Vegeta: Why can’t I hit him? I’m almost as evil as he is!!
Cell: Isn’t it enough to make you turn green with envy?
At this poor pun, the other Z Fighters all combine powers to kick Cell in the nuts, giving Vegeta a respite.
Piccolo: I don’t get it! Vegeta’s at Super Saiya-Jin 16, why can’t he touch Cell?!
Goku: What the hell is going on here?!!
Bulma: Why the hell is everyone shouting?!!!
Vegeta: (Heavy breathing) What…is this…monster? I…I can do better! I think I can, I think I can…
Cell: (Interrupting) Your effort is pitiful and hopeless. This is just a waste of my maniacal time, and since you’re so fond of faeces…
Tien: Noooo! Don’t do it!
Gohan: That’s ghastly!
Cell grabs Vegeta and does the unspeakable - a gaffa on Vegeta’s head. This is followed by several minutes of astounded silence.
Bulma: I…I think I’m gonna be sick.
Krillin: I am gonna be sick. (Violently vomits up an egg whisk.)
Trunks: Oh my god! Daaaad! He passed out, he wasn’t that hurt! Dad, what’s wrong?!
Tien: (Putting a hand on Trunks’ shoulder) I think the shame was too great. Nobody wants to be known as a sh@thead. (Pause) We need to get him out of there and give him a Lima bean.
Goku: (Shaking with rage) That does it! Gaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!!!!! (He becomes a Super Saiya-Jin 16.)
Goku punches Cell into a rock, and waits while Cell gets up. They then face off.
Narrator: Oh no! With a great whopping dump on Vegeta’s head, he’s out of commission. Will Goku have the power to defeat Cell on his own? Will Vegeta be alive when the others get to him? Will he ever live it down? Find out on the next rock ‘n’ rollicking episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman