DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 7
By Leigh Couchman

This time everyone intentionally misses the beginning. As such no one knows what the uncensored sequences will be. Only the writer has the opportunity and even he doesn’t know what’s going to happen yet.

Cell Brand Luggage

The first five minutes of the episode focus on the huge dust cloud which has enveloped Gohan and the storm surrounding it. This is interspaced with stock footage of the Z Fighters’ startled faces, the comatose faces of Vegeta and Piccolo, and the menacing gaze of Cell.
Cell: Hmmm, now might be a good time to laugh. (Glances the surrounds for favorable omens) Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! What folly is this?
Krillin: Oh man! I think Gohan’s powering up!
Trunks and Goten wedgie Krillin then throw him into a cactus.
Trunks: I hate it when people state the obvious.
Goten: Then what are you doing on this show?
Trunks: (Shrugs) Fringe benefits.
Goten: (Pause. Slowly) Such as…
Trunks: (Counting off his fingers) Being able to portray a gun toting womanizer, liaising with female coworkers (18 looks at him in disgust), being able to go blonde whenever I feel like it…
Master Roshi: (Interrupting) Oh my god! (Pointing) Look!
The clouds clear, and reveal Gohan at Super Saiya-Jin 23. His hair is a lustrous golden afro with a width of six meters. One piece of hair flops down his forehead to Gohan’s chin and makes a ‘Ding!’ when pulled. He is wearing a large gold chain.
Gohan: What’s up Homes?
Cell: You’re almost as funny as your deadbeat father. (Pause) Dead! Deadbeat! (Collapses on the ground beating his fists with laughter.) Ba Ha Ha Ha Ha!! Hehehehehehehe!! Ohmyohmyohmyohmy!
Gohan: (Dead serious) Get up freak show.
Cell: (Stops laughing) What was that you mulleted youth?! I’ll show you what for bellboy!
Cell launches at Gohan but Gohan easily moves into the air. Cell flies up after him and they throw punches and kicks before Gohan lands one in Cell’s gut then double hands him into to the ground. Cell gets up and is beaten soundly again by Gohan. A third time Cell attempts to rush Gohan but Gohan uses the Ka Mae Ha Mae Ha and blasts Cell into a mountain.
All the Z Fighters stare in amazement.
Tien: Has anyone else noticed how the only way we can beat bad guys anymore is to find an excuse to reach a new level of Super Saiya-Jin.
18: (Nodding in agreement) The writers are getting lazy.
Cell: (Picking himself up) Dar! He’s just a little punk! His hair is bigger than his energy level. Still, I’ll need to power up to beat him. (He does so…in four minutes. The others except Gohan gape with fear at this.) Ha Ha Ha! I’ll take you down now Gohan!!
He launches at Gohan and the exact same sequence with Cell getting pummeled three times is shown again. During the middle of this…
Yamcha: (Puzzled) Haven’t we seen this before?
Cell once again picks himself up from the rocks and is quite irate at Gohan, who is about twenty meters away and on the ground again.
Cell: You fool! You can’t beat me! I didn’t think I’d have to use my ultimate move, but you’ve just given me good cause imbecile!
All: Gaaassspppp!!
Gohan: (Visibly unsettled) Ultimate move?
Cell: Yes, it will crush you and leave your friends defenseless. It is the most evil and despicable fighting move ever invented. Far far worse than an attack of rampant sodomy.
Gohan reacts by grabbing his ass in fear.
Cell: (Laughing haughtily) I will kill you and then make all your friends work in a sweatshop to make little soft toys of me! Mmmeeeee!!! (Launches to attack Gohan.)
Yamcha: He’s losing his mind.
Krillin: be alert Gohan! You can defend it! Just keep your mind focused!! Use the force!!
When Cell is within five feet of Gohan he motions to do an unspeakably diabolical eye gouge on Gohan. But by using the force, Gohan remembers the infamous “Eye Gouge Block”, and Cell’s fingers are stopped from reaching Gohan’s eyes with a centimeter to spare.
Cell: What?! Nooooo!!!
Gohan head butts Cell (No easy feat with 70kg worth of hair) and then by using his hitherto unknown magical powers, he turns Cell into a suitcase and a matching pair of shoes.
All: Huzzah!
Gohan: (Reverts back to his normal state) Ouch! My neck feels like it’s going to break.
Everybody gathers for a group hug singing ‘Memories’.
Bulma: Oh wow (Wipes tears from eyes). This has been an emotional day. What with Goku’s death and Vegeta’s near death (Sobs a little). I’m sorry Piccolo. I’m going to give Vegeta another try.
Piccolo: (Putting his hand on her shoulder) I understand.
Bulma: Really?
Piccolo: No, but you’d think I was a prick if I told you what I really thought.
16: This planet does not suit me. I will leave now.
Trunks: Oh? Here, let me help you. (He destroys 16 with an energy blast. Feigning an accident) Soorrrrryyyy.
Chi Chi: (Openly crying) Oh my poor dear Goku! Gone, forever gone! (Blows her nose on a newspaper) But Gohan is still here…yes, and I will never leave him. (She grabs Gohan who is sh@t scared.) I will never leave you Gohan. We will always be together.
Yamcha: Like fudge you will! We’re taking Gohan boozing now! He deserves it!
All except Chi Chi: Hurrah!! (They all run off, carrying Gohan with Chi Chi giving valiant pursuit.)
Chi Chi: Noo! Stop! Gohan! Come back! Baby come baaaacckk!!
They run into the distance. Cross to King Kai’s planet.
King Kai: You really are an ass Goku. You spend more time dead than alive.
Gregory: That’s right! And I’m just a ripoff of Jiminy Crickett.
Bubbles: Hoo hoo haa haa haa!!! (Starts attacking Gregory)
Goku: Yeah, but what are you gonna about it King Kai? Now let’s travel Snake Way to the otherworld so I can train really hard for the next time the earth is threatened.
King Kai: (Muttering) Couldn’t see that coming. (Turning to Goku) Yeah whatever. Just let me get some pilgrim sticks.
Narrator: The earth is saved and Gohan is about to get tanked, and Goku is soon to be back on the highroad. But what wacky and predictable adventures await our golden haired heroes and their token friends? Find out on the next depressingly simplistic and mind numbing episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman