DragonBall Z Uncut
Episode 8
By Leigh Couchman

The new opening has gone retro and includes tie dye patterns for backgrounds of individual characters. There is an alarming amount of Gohan splashed around the new beginning, often without a decent haircut. More stupid and loud music is playing that should have died along with endless eighties bands. We get to see parts of Gohan’s stint in juvenile detention and Goku’s methods in the otherworld. Anyhow, the show must go on...

Goku Returns For The World Tournament

Narrator: Seven years have passed since Gohan miraculously defeated Cell and got drunk for the first time. Goku has been training like a bastard in the otherworld, Vegeta is still in the closet and Trunks and Goten have not aged. Stupid timeline.
A whole swag of Z Fighters are standing ringside at the World Tournament. There are a few gaps. Suddenly, there is a spooky ‘pop’ and the characters turn around.
All: Gokkkkuuuu!!
Everybody gets teary eyed and hugs Goku. Goku finally manages to free himself from the mass of limbs.
Goku: (Gasp) What’s happening people?
Bulma: Oh, we’ve missed you sooo much Goku!
Chi Chi: Promise you’ll never leave again!
Goku: Aaaah, yeah. (Pause) Sure. (There is a visible sign around Goku’s neck that reads ‘One day living permit. Insert $2 for an extension’) So, did you guys all get through? Did you save me a space?
Vegeta: Of course we got through imbecile!
Goku: Hey Vegeta!
Krillin: Yeah, we saved you a spot. They wouldn’t accept our bribes at first, so Vegeta nearly killed one of the judges with a waffle iron. It seemed a bit excessive...
Vegeta: (Cutting in) He asked for it! He said: "Waffle are you on about?"
Goten: No, he said: "What the f@ck are you on about?"
Vegeta: (Screams) Whatever!! You cannot deny me Goku! I will fight you ere this day is out! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!
Goku: (Leans and whispers to Trunks) What’s wrong with Vegeta? I’ve never seen him this psycho.
Trunks: (Leans and whispers back) He’s wanted to fight you again for seven years. He’s consumed nothing but sports drinks for the last 12 days.
Goku: (Confused and scared) Aaggh!
Piccolo: So how did you manage to get back from the dead?
Goku: Many, many, sexual favours (Everybody cringes). Hey, you all want to know something funny about the Grand Kai?
Krillin: (Holding one hand to stomach and holding out the other) No, no, that’s alright.
Goku: (Turning to Gohan) And don’t think I don’t know about your stint in juvenile detention (Gohan’s head goes down). What were you thinking? Dressing up as Santa Claus and gate crashing a UN meeting?!
Gohan: (Shrugs) I was on cocaine.
Goku: Evidently. You shoved a pipe bomb down the Czechoslovakian representatives’ pants. (Pause) Got any left?
Gohan: (Horrified) No!!
Goku: Oh. (Looking away sheepishly) Just asking.
Gohan: I’m sorry Dad. But I’m fine now. Of course, I’ve only been training again for six months. I’m not as strong as I used to be. (Head slips) Or as cool.
Goku: You’re still cool to me Gohan.
Everybody turns away at this ‘awkward moment’. Except Vegeta.
Vegeta: get a room funboys! We’re here for a reason!
Just then they all turn at an announcer’s voice.
Announcer: First match up today is Krillin vs. The Super Fly Jimmy Snooka!
Krillin: Well, I’ll woop some butt and then be back for a coldie. Later dudes.
Goten: (Waves hand indiscriminately) Whatever.
Krillin gets upon the arena and the crowd jeers, throwing an assortment of cans, vegetables and toupees at Krillin.
Goku: (Pointing at Videl, only just noticing her) Who’s that?
Gohan: Oh. Dad, this is my lady friend, Videl. We got to the same school.
Videl: Hi Goku. I’ve heard so much about you.
Goku: Woah! You’re a butch chick. (Turns to a slightly embarrassed Gohan) So, are you two knocking boots or what?
Gohan: (Very embarrassed) Daaadd! Ix nay on the oots bay ocking knay!
Goku: (Confused) At whay he tay uck fay?!
Gohan: Ig pay atin lay, ickface day!
Goku: Atever whay.
Krillin walks back to join the others. There is a half watermelon on his head.
Goku: Hey Krillin, I thought you stopped shaving your melon head.
Everybody is in hysterics. Krillin throws the watermelon at Yamcha, about the only person who he is stronger than.
Krillin: Yeah well at least I won.
18: It doesn’t make you any less of a turtle f@cker.
More laughter. Krillin gives 18 a scowling look.
Krillin: Shutup wench! I thought we’d all gotten over that.
18: (Smug) Not by a long way crustacean violator.
Announcer: And now it’s Gohan vs. Kibito.
Goku: Good luck Gohan. Pound this pasty pink f@cker.
Gohan gives him an extended thumbs up to eighties "success" music. He then walks onto the arena opposite the large pink Kibito. At this point a little purple guy with a white Mohawk in foreign clothing runs up to Goku.
Supreme Kai: Okay Goku. Listen now and hard. Now people are going to steal Gohan’s power when he powers up...
Chi Chi: Whhhaaattt?!!
Supreme Kai: You are to do nothing. Okay, nothing! This must happen. Can I get a guarantee that none of you or your friends will interfere?
Goku: I don’t know, I’m not going to gamble Gohan’s life in this way.
Supreme Kai: Five bucks?
Goku: Each.
Supreme Kai: Done. (He is getting out his wallet when suddenly there is a ginormously humungous explosion in the middle of the ring) What, that shouldn’t have happened! Oh sh@t!
Krillin: What?
Supreme Kai: (Stooping) I dropped my wallet.
Goku: Who the hell are you?
Supreme Kai: I am the Supreme Kai. The Grand Kai is nothing but my bitch.
Goku: You don’t say. (Pause) Hey, you wanna know something funny about...
Supreme Kai: (Interrupting) I know, I know.
Piccolo: Hey Supreme Kai, what is that huge fat pink thing in a nappy between your mate and Gohan?
Supreme Kai: The fairy floss machine?
Piccolo: No, no, in the ring.
Supreme Kai: Oh. Well that’s just...Aaarrggghhhh!!! Oh no!!
Goku: Que?
Narrator: Just what is this new arrival in the ring? Is he good, bad, or just a lost tourist? Will the Supreme Kai be able to tell them what is happening before he has an epileptic fit? Find out on the next plot jumping and rushed through episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!

By Leigh Couchman