DragonBall
Z Uncut
Episode 9
By Leigh Couchman
Same new opening as before. We get to see Piccolo performing DJ and the Supreme Kai testing the depths of his vocabulary. I’m really getting sick of these over hyped intros.
Pink Powder Ball of Fury
Opens with a panning shot of the arena. Close up on the Supreme Kai.
Supreme Kai: Ohsh@tohsh@tohsh@tohsh@tohsh@t...
Vegeta liberally slaps him a couple of times.
Vegeta: I am not paid to deal with your stupid gibberish! Speak up man!
Goku: Supreme Kai, what is that thing?
Supreme Kai: (With a look of underpants soiling horror) That, is Majin Buu. He is the most evil and powerful being in the universe.
Vegeta: Not very f@cking likely.
Supreme Kai: (Facing Vegeta) You’re pussy whipped compared to Majin Buu. (Turning to them all) You will all need to fight him. There’s no other way! We need all the help we can get!
Goku: Speaking of all of us, where are Yamcha, Tien and Chiatsu?
Yamcha: (Angry) Hey! I’m right here!
Goku: Sorry, your insignificance makes you a little invisible. (Yamcha’s head goes down)
Piccolo: Yeah, the producers wanted to introduce new characters so they axed Tien and Chiatsu.
Krillin: Thank Jesu for that.
Trunks: Yeah, but I hope they try to get back on the show (Starts hitting a tyre iron on his palm menacingly).
Supreme Kai: You’re missing the point! To defeat Majin Buu we’re going to all have to fight him together. That means no solo attacks...
Gohan: Die you pink powder ball!! (Launches at Majin Buu)
Supreme Kai: Well, sh@t.
They begin fighting. Gohan at Super Saiya-Jin 23 is pounding Majin Buu with all he’s got to sci fi music. Majin Buu takes it all in his stride with a swag of baby gurgles and uncoordinated handclaps.
Majin Buu: You funny! Me evil villain with the IQ of the Cookie Monster!
Gohan: Shutup! My Aryan greatness...dah...I mean...Saiya-Jin greatness (Pause), will triumph over your flabby and pitiful bloated form!!
Kibito: No! You can’t beat him! Trust me Gohan!
Gohan: Says you.
Majin Buu: (Grabs Kibito) I eat pieces of sh@t like you for breakfast! (Eats him as one would eat a large pink freak)
Gohan: Oh that’s f@cking disgusting. You ate an old guy! An old pink guy at that!!
Majin Buu: Now I beat you like bishop!
Gohan is given the thrashing of his life while the others watch on.
Supreme Kai: (Horrified) Aren’t you people going to do anything?!!
Piccolo: Yes. I’m going to provide light entertainment.
Music starts up. Piccolo starts dancing and singing DJ.
Piccolo: (Crooning) I’m home, lost my job, and I’m in-cur-ab-ly ill. You think, this is easy? Real...
Piccolo is set on by Krillin, Trunks and Goten and is savagely mauled.
Supreme Kai: Isn’t someone going to help him?! Where in the name of Salman Rushdie is Goku?!!
Yamcha: He went for a snack break.
Supreme Kai: That...that...that...lousy pig f@cker!
The Supreme Kai looks across at the fight as there is a large explosion and smoke billowing out everywhere. The smoke takes five minutes of unsure music and several shots of the Z Fighters bewildered faces to clear, revealing the limp and dead form of Gohan at the feet of Super Saiya-Jin 23 Vegeta. Majin Buu is about 100 meters away.
Chi Chi: (Collapses in tears) Gohan! What?!! Noooooooo!!! My sweet little tryhard! Why??!!!
Videl: That lousy...Arggh! He still owes me head!
Vegeta: (Calling) Supreme Kai, take us away from the arena. Someplace desolate, that’s huge and vast and a bagillion miles wide, and that would never exist in real life.
Supreme Kai: Um, yeah okay.
There is a magical ‘Pop’ and they are all in a barren wasteland.
Goten: Wow, Vegeta is a lot stronger than Gohan was.
Trunks: My Dad’s the bomb! (Lights a cigarette with a Metallica T-shirt)
By now Majin Buu is back up and is shouting at Vegeta.
Majin Buu: You guy with receding hairline! I kill you!
Vegeta: You killed Gohan! He was my role model! He’s like the son I never had! (Trunks sighs a very audible ‘Awwww.’)
Majin Buu: Garrgghh!!
Vegeta: Hurrrgghhhh!!!
They both begin flashing and then launch into a sequence that takes about 7 minutes. There is energy beams, punches and crotch kicking. It is evident that while Vegeta is a grand specimen of brute manhood and closet homosexuality, he can’t beat Buu, who begins to beat up on Vegeta big time.
Vegeta: Not again!! Noooooooo! I suck! (Cross to Supreme Kai)
Goku: (Eating a Roman dish) Well at least he’s finally admitting it.
Supreme Kai: Where the hell have you been?!
Goku: Sorry. There was an incident at the Roman house involving several Mexican dogs and the president. (Shudders) Very ugly.
Supreme Kai: How can you elect a talking dog in a suit as your president?
Goku: Just close your eyes and he’s almost human.
Supreme Kai: But what (Pause)...never mind! Can’t you see what’s happening?! Vegeta’s getting flogged like an altar boy...
Goku: (Smiling) That I can see. (Slurps from Roman)
Cut to the fight. Vegeta, in an act of spectacular contortion and bowel shifting wonder, is being restrained by Buu’s kidneys while Buu pounds into him.
Vegeta: Aaargh! I know now what I must do!
Vegeta powers up and breaks free. He is soon encased in fire, and about to explode.
Vegeta: I’m sorry Kakarot! Apprentice my son to a mechanic! Alas! (He dies)
The explosion is huge. After a couple of minutes all the Z Fighters are back on their feet.
Goku: Vegeta! Nooo!
Bulma: (In tears) Why, god why?? Vegeta would never hurt anyone!
Trunks: Oh woe is me!
Supreme Kai: Get a grip Goku! I’m afraid Gohan was a victim as well. He’s also passed away.
Goku: (Openly weeping) At least it wasn’t in vain....Baaaa! (Stuttering) Nnn-nn-nn-nnnnn-n-noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Trunks: I think it was in vain (Pointing), take a look.
They all turn to see Majin Buu dancing like the dancing baby, squealing with glee.
Majin Buu: I live I live, faggot boy and hairline git are dead! Yay!
Goku: (Anger building) Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
There is, of course, a hude explosion which totally covers Goku. All the onlookers are awed.
Narrator: With Gohan and Vegeta dead, do the Z Fighters have any hope at all? Has Goku reached a new level of Super Saiya-Jin? Find out on the next stupendously exclamation inflicted and curse littered episode of DragonBall Z Uncut!
By Leigh Couchman